EDIT: APRIL FOOLS!
The Colorado Mountain Club is thrilled to announce that Mt. Elbert is now officially recognized at 14,539 feet, making it the highest mountain in the contiguous United States.
That honor was previously held by 14,505-foot Mt. Whitney in California.
“COLORADO RULES,” said a CMC spokeswoman in a press release. That was the only statement, along with several crude images insinuating that Colorado is greater than California.
Mt. Elbert was formerly recognized as 14,439 feet high. It grew thanks to the curious appearance on the summit of a 100-foot-tall replica of the Vince Lombardi Trophy, which is awarded each year to the National Football League champion. The Denver Broncos won the Super Bowl in February.
“Our mountains are way better, just like our football team,” said an anonymous source within the CMC. “It always felt odd that Colorado wasn’t the home of the highest peak in the lower 48. Now that’s been remedied.”
It remains unclear how the trophy got to the top of Mt. Elbert, or who put it there.
“Oh, we have no idea,” the CMC source set with a slow, exaggerated wink while wearing a Von Miller jersey.
The polished and completely smooth summit pitch is awaiting a first ascent. Top local climbers are already calling it this year’s Dawn Wall, anticipating it will be one of the hardest climbs in the world – a far cry from the half-day hike Mt. Elbert used to be.
Of course, records are made to be broken. At the time of this writing, Mt. Rainier National Park climbing rangers were furiously shoveling snow into a giant mound on the summit of the 14,433-foot volcano in an attempt to claim the coveted crown.